"Aglay janam mohay bitya na keejeyo"

One winter morning, my dad's car was having some problems and he could not get it started. This had been happening quite frequently and I used to watch him struggle with it. One day I just could not stop myself and I went down and asked him if I can push the car to get it started. He looked at me and asked if I have lost my mind when I was thinking about pushing the gigantic car on my own. I left him there with a heavy heart, thinking if I was his son, there would have been a different end to this story.


In the society where I have been brought up, daughters are brought up very differently as compared to sons. They are given dolls right from the birth to play with, their minds are fed with the thoughts and dreams of having to leave their parents one day and make a life of their own with husband and kids. Even if the daughter does start making money before getting married, the parents never let her spend even a single penny on them or on home in general. On the contrary, the sons are supposed to be the next in charge of the bills, the maintenance, the grocery, the events etc etc. Parents would rather like the money their daughter is making to rot in the bank or save & spend on her own self rather than letting her participate and share the burden of the family.


What good do we achieve out of this gender discrimination, I am yet to figure that out. I think parents are under an illusion that this way they are being protective and gentle towards the daughters while on the other hand daughters like myself feel helpless and frustrated. I believe being at the youthful age that I am, it is my social and moral responsibility to let my father take a break from his work and let him take things easy now. The seed that he sowed 27 years back, has now grown into a tree, strong enough to give him a shelter from the heat of old age and productive enough to give him fruits to savor. I know if my father reads this he would laugh at me and say 'you don't know how harsh and tough practical life is and just because you feel so much does not mean you can do it too. Emotions cannot satisfy anyone's hunger and are absolutely not enough to make you stand in the ruthless 'practical and material' world." 


I know women are not stronger than men physically but they are far more emotionally stronger and intelligent than men. It's my emotions for my parents which make me think that it's time for my parents to enjoy their lives, to live their lives once for themselves only without having to worry about their kids' desires and needs, be able to go to bed at night peacefully without having to worry about the 'tomorrows', be able to spend some money just for the heck of it since all I've seen them doing from the time I was born is save, save and save for the education, clothes, desires, toys and entertainment of their kids. Never in the past 27 years have I seen my father buy something for himself just because he 'felt' like it, he has been living on the 'need only' basis ever since I know him. My mother has always been cooking the dishes me and my brother likes for the past 29 years. Never have I seen her do something just because 'she' likes it.   


Perhaps, the power of my knowledge and education and the strength of my will power are not enough to push and jump start my dad's car but I believe that they are enough to break the barriers of gender discrimination, they are enough to make me dream about the day when I'd let my parents 'live' their own lives and for once be proud of the seeds that they had sown about 3 decades ago and be content that their life long hard work and nurturing has finally been rewarded with prosperity.

Let 'her' fly

Like every other girl, I grew up developing interest in clothes, jewelery, cosmetics, shoes and every other shopping item that man has made for the female gender. Men usually think women like it and feel loved when they get the above mentioned things as gifts on birthdays and anniversaries. Many women do believe in that too and I, too, thought so until few years back. 


I've observed post marital lives of quite many women and I noticed that all that their lives revolve around is shopping, gossiping, cooking, decorating, partying, vacationing. Many a times, their careers come to an end because husbands believe money making is their job and home making is that of the wife. Men would get all sorts of expensive presents for the women, take her around the world, have her buy stuff and spend money to the heart's content but deprive her of one essential thing, something which money can never buy: 'freedom of thought and act'. How would a bird feel if it is locked up in a cage made up of gold? That's how a woman would feel when she's discouraged to excel and make an identity for herself after marriage.


I read a quote once: "Him that I love, I wish to be free -- Even from me". I believe the best present a man can give to his wife is the freedom of thought, expression and action. Take her career as seriously as he takes his own, the way he goes out of the way to fight off all the obstacles to make a name for himself, a similar effort should be made for her too, not for the money but for the well being of her soul. I know many people would disagree with me on this perception, but I believe life without an identity and without making a difference in others' life is a life wasted. I believe youth is all about proving your worth, using all God's resources and capabilities in the best and maximum way possible and transforming yourself from a 'nobody' into a 'somebody', be it a man or a woman.


"Always remember, you not only have the right to be an individual but an 'obligation' to be one" - Eleanor Roosevelt (First lady of the US 1933-45)

Fleeting moments of peace

For many Grey's Anatomy (An American Medical drama) happens to be just another show to watch and enjoy while munching pop corns. But I, for one, have learnt so much from it, medically as well as for life in general.


So, in the most recent episode, this is what Derek Shepherd said which I found very thought provoking and I could relate to it so much:

Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in a stranger's act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening so that we can embrace them, live in them. And finally let them go.

After listening to these lines, a flashback of events started to occur in my brain where I, in a few minutes, could recall so many moments of peace; something that I did not cherish when they happened. I always thought there would a time come when I'd find peace because I'd meet that special someone or because I'd accomplish something huge. But these lines changed my perspective and I realized that a person does not stay in one state at all times.


I remember a day during my internship when I was having a very rough time, drawing blood samples, running from one floor to the other, trying to answer and satisfy patient's complaints as I was the on-call doctor. I went into a patient's room and by mistake said something wrong to him but I immediately realized that I made an error and I apologized. That man was so impressed by my being polite to him that he forgave me instantly and at that very moment he prayed for me out loud, for my success, for my getting a chance to go abroad and be able to specialize. Among all the hectic happenings of the entire day, THAT was my moment of peace, it stayed there for only 5 minutes and then I was busy again in my chores but as many times as I recall, it gives me peace. 


So, help out a stranger, smile at anyone who looks at you, hold a newborn baby's hand, lie down in your mother's feet, watch the clear blue sky, pray to God. Search for and cherish your moments of peace in each day, enjoy them for a while and then let them go. 

The art of having your "Happily Ever After"

When we fall in love with someone, we think we’ve booked ourselves an eternal place in “Utopia”. Is love the name of what they show in a 3 hour 40 minutes Indian movie? Or an even shorter (which means minus the dancing on the trains and jumping from cliffs with a cheesy love song) one hour 35 minutes western movie? Is it what the authors of mills & boons and the likes portray in a 400 page novel? 



The reason why the movies and novels look perfect to us and we get deluded is simple. They cannot show each day of a person’s life in a 3 hour movie. So they choose only the few exceptionally good moments from the lifetime of a person and make a movie out of it. My view point about this is this: There’s only one Sunday in a week, there’s only one day among the 365 days of the year that you get to celebrate your birthday, there’s only one day of graduation in the whole lifetime. The point being: you cannot be in a celebrating elated mood at all times when you’re in love. Extremely overwhelming days will be like your birthdays, once or maybe twice in a year, good days will be like Sundays, once or maybe twice a week and usual fine days will be the ones which would make most of your life. That's THE reality of life even in case of the bestest of relationships and truest of feelings.    

Know and believe that there will always be certain things about each other which the two will never be able to know or understand; things which would be illogical for one and mean the world to the other – Accept them sincerely and move on. There are these other things which you will know about the significant other but only with time, that’s not a one day or even a one year thing. It requires spending days and nights together, it requires eating and socializing together, it requires going through bankruptcy together, it requires shopping and having kids together. It requires “Time” – Be patient and know that ‘knowing’ someone as complex as an ever developing human being is a lifelong process. Enjoy it.

No matter how perfect you think your story is, the ‘He’ part of him and the ‘She’ part of her will always be different and if that makes you uncomfortable then you need to consider homosexuality. ‘He’ needs to read the newspaper and she needs to talk, more often than not, at the same time. She likes pink and he likes blue. She enjoys casual shopping sometimes and he buys only when his last pair of sock has been stolen – Accept it and move on, you are not in kindergarten and these are NOT the things which really make you who you are. Never ever make these as a reason for argument. She should realize he likes reading the newspaper and do not freak out as if he’s cheating on you with the newspaper,  unless it’s something extremely important and he should keep the paper down in case she asks him to, without wincing and sometimes even without her telling him to do so, depending upon how well he senses her need. 

I read it once that when you love someone, you open yourself up to hurt. The man who loves you will end up being hurtful unintentionally every now and then, but believe that such incidents lessen with time. Ignore them and never judge him on these or conclude anything from them. 

Talk. Open up. Converse. Don’t build up the heap of half-dead issues in between the two of you because before you know it, you’d be sleeping right next to each other but from heart and soul, would be gazillion miles apart. Believe that in a relationship, all mistakes are forgivable and no issue is big enough to make you choose a lifeless stupid issue over an alive loving life partner. Reconcile and waste no more than a day over it. I might win the argument and satisfy the left half of my brain but I’d lose the major asset of my life or at least create an opportunity for him to step a little away from me because I chose my ego or at times even logic. Choose the man you love over things, arguments, anger, hurt, expectations, diamonds, profession and at certain times even kids.

Also, never go silent only because you think that’s going to get some message across to the other partner. It may work at some rare situation but usually all it does is widen the gap between the two, leaving to make ‘assumptions’ which usually are the most negative things a person can think. The silent partner would expect that ‘she’ would and should know what his silence mean this time because that’s what a relationship is about. Wrong!!!. That’s what ‘telepathy’ is about! Yes ‘she’ should know you that well to make out what your silence number 40 means and how is it different from silence number 63, but still the best way is to talk about the issue and by talk I don’t mean ‘yell’, ‘blame’, ‘resent’.

Even the best and the most perfect relationships need some adjustments, some letting-gos, and some move-ons. Don’t keep a count as to how many times he let go or how many times you chose to drop it. That’s an accountant or a secretary’s job to keep a track of things. Let go, forget which one of you had let it go and move on.

Finally, I learnt that love and relationship are constant work, unless you make the above mentioned efforts, you’d be among the group of failures. It’s not easy but so is climbing Mount Everest or going to the moon, but the outcome of it is so magnificent that it’s worth the pain, the tears, the efforts, the selflessness and the sacrifices. Anything that has the capacity of generating peace, inner happiness or major achievements requires hard work. 

Most of the times, a small text message, a one line email, a hug without a reason, a loving touch to break the silence and a kiss without a logic is the only distance that there is between two people and would do what even a thousand words or perfect scientific explanations would fail to do. Quality matters, not the quantity. Never think twice before doing any of these, no matter how much your smart-ass brain tries to convince you or makes you question it, do it. You’d save two lives and a treasured relationship. 

If at the time I die, I have even 10 moments in my memory which gave me an extremely joyful experience of my life then I’d proudly say I lived my life with the man I love and I had my ‘happily ever after’.

Once a friend, always a friend

 They stand by you, spreading their arms like wings for you to fly again in case you're wounded or just don't have strength enough. They sing back the song to you that you once believed in but during a rough time of life you forgot. They put you back together in one piece. They listen to you patiently without being judgmental. They're the people you'd confide in when you've made a mistake or screwed something up big time. They'd lend you money to buy present for your mom when you run out of your pocket money. They're like your umbrella under which you can just stand,without having to say a word,without having to explain, without having to prove anything; just stand under them until the weather outside is all pleasant again. They are your siblings from other parents, some call them their sisters, some call them their brothers, some call them their love and some just call them by just one simple yet very powerful word - "Friend"

Friends come in all shapes, sizes, species and genders. One relationship which has absolutely no boundaries is that of friendship. It can thrive so strongly even when you're thousand miles away. You can find a friend in your dad, mom, brother, sister,cousin, uncle, aunt, husband, kids, a complete stranger, a pet and even a good book. No other relationship is this versatile. 


Although my cell phone has about 70 contacts yet when I am happy or having a bad time in life, I search up and down my contacts to see which ones I'd like to talk to at this point and I stop at one or maybe two of them. And when I do make a call to them, many a times one of them is busy and the other one is at some part of the globe where it's the middle of the night and she's unreachable. When we grow in our lives, geographical and marriage-related differences do happen among friends. When the time came to say farewell to the college years, which also meant many friends will go separate ways, I said to a friend of mine (in response to her sadness that we're departing) that "The 5 years of college that we've spent together, going through successes and failures together and trying to carve ourselves for the same profession, that time is enough of a foundation for our friendship to stay healthy and strong for the rest of our lives. There will be many times in future when I won't be there for you and you won't be there for me because of the realities and practicalities of life but what WILL be there with both of us at those times is the "belief' that we are there for each other in our thoughts and the memories of all those times when we WERE there for each other and that will be enough to get us through that tough time".


The point I am trying to make here is this: There comes a point in life when we don't call our friends as often as we used to when we were in college, when we forget some of their birthdays, when we have to hang up the phone or go offline because the kid is crying or husband just got home even though we know that our friend on the other end needs us right now, when we miss our best friend's wedding because one of the friend's moved abroad and she can't travel because of visa issues etcetra etcetra.. Don't ever start complaining and sulking and whining that 'my friend is not the same anymore' or 'she has more important people in her life now'. Accept and embrace the change in your friend's life and don't judge and screw up your precious friendship on the basis of these inevitable occurrences. So what if she forgot my birthday just one time, I'd think about those many birthdays that she made so special for me, so what if she cannot be physically 'always' there for me as she used to be back then; I'd think about all those times when she held my hand and made the storms of life bearable for me. NO reason is big enough to create distances between two friends and ruin a  friendship that you nurtured with so much love and care.   


Cherish all those people always who have made even a little difference in your life, who've been your friends even if it was just for a day. 

A lesson for life

"Courage doesn't always have to roar out loud. Sometimes, it’s just a little voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again, tomorrow".

One of the things that my life has taught me so far is that it’s always the little things which make a huge difference. Start off with baby steps and soon you’ll find yourself on the mountain peak. Every human being is supposed to fail and fall every now and then. Failure is like a gravitational force on the earth that pulls you down if your hot air balloon doesn’t have enough gas in it or the balloon has some hole in it. But the moment you fix it appropriately, even the strongest of gravitational force fails and it lets you fly as high as you want to. So what fixes your failures?

I still remember while I was just a month away from my Step 1, I scored so bad in one of the practice tests and that failure had just thrashed me down with my face on the floor, very ruthlessly. After washing away my frustration and disappointment in tears, a little voice somewhere in me said ‘ I won’t let this one test take away all the effort that I’ve put in the past 9 months, I won’t let it take away my dream to score high in the exam, I won’t let it close the doors of success on me. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will try again tomorrow and fix this damn failure!” And so I did, Alhumdulillah.

Courage and the stubbornness to not let failure fail me have been my two major weapons to fight off the speed breakers that came in my way. But I strongly believe that there needs to be someone who can stand right by your side when you’re falling down, to catch you and tell you “It’s all going to be alright”. I too had my savior.    

There’s nothing like the high that you get when you harbor courage and do the apparently un-doable. There can be no courage unless you’re not scared just like the way there can be no morning if there is no night. Be scared but go on anyhow. Failure will try to look into your eyes and distract you, but all you got to do is don’t lose your ground, don’t give away your spot to it, just stay there and it WILL go away. Hanging in there is all what courage is about.

“Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage.”

A new day has come

 Life takes all sorts of twists and turns. For some, taking an exam is a burden but for me taking Step 1 meant challenging myself, chiseling my knowledge like a wood statue is crafted. I've spent past 10 months almost locked up at home, working towards only one aim. I feel I am lucky that God gave me an opportunity to dream and the ability to attempt to make those dreams come true. I took the exam yesterday and when I woke up this morning, I feel like a part of me has been re-born. I don't know how many people experience something like this, something so big out of an apparently ordinary thing like an exam.

Challenge yourself, people. Throw yourself in the face of what you fear the most, attempt to do what many fail at and shout back at your inner demons to silence them forever.